I’ve been alone for so long


Didn’t have the strength to carry on


Then you came into my life


And you really want to make me go on


 


@ So if you go, tell me what I’m supposed to do ?


I won’t search anyone new


If you go, tell me how I’m supposed to feel ?


Do you get that I need you.


 


& When, you are gone


Tell me what will keep alive


Everyone’s gone


How am I supposed to survive ?


If you feel the need to leave


Because it’s too much for you


I won’t hold you back and it’s true


When you are gone


Tell me what will keep alive


 


We argue then we make out


You’re always taking me out


Where there’s a will, there’s a way


For a future brighter day


 


@&


 


How are you still here with me


When I’m not with myself


Love’s diminishing lately


But you have me for yourself.

I don’t think I’ve ever loved you
I’m sorry, that’s cruel from me but
What do you want me to say
When you say that you love me

I feel trapped because you give me affection
Something that should make me fall in love
But we’re like different stars, we don’t align
Without thinking, our last argument was yesterday.

Are you happy? I don’t think I am
I am trying the best I can to change for you
But you’re searching for perfection all the time
I can’t be perfect neither for your not for myself

For the life of me, if being with me is too much
Too much to handle or too difficult
I’d be sad because I’d be lonely
But at least one of us will be happier

If I brought you happiness the way you say I did
You wouldn’t be ranting and raving every night
After work, before your wine and your news
I’m starting to hate you, it’s stupid because I was loving you.

How can I love you the way you are
And you love me like the way you want to be?
I’m not a Ken doll, I’m no superman either
I’m just a man who don’t know much about life.

So how could I ever be perfect?
I could never be perfect
Do you want me to be perfect ?
I don’t even want to be perfect.

I am so sad. I don’t even. know where to start. It feels like everything feels all too much. It’s unbearable. It’s intolerable. I have felt this way for so long and it was never diagnosed. Now that it is, it’s like normal to know I could never ever get better. I was lonely. I was depressed. I’m still shattered. And I never feel normal. I don’t what I did for Heavens to hit so hard on me like that. I’m just wondering why.

I never asked for this and yes, I want to get better but the only thing that is helping numb the deep scary unimaginable pain I feel inside, is writing. Why can’t I be happy like the others are? I have come to my journal entries a few days and I reviewed them. It came as no surprise that all my days since I wrote since I started writing in this journal were saying the same things: “I hate myself, I hate my life”. I can always try to exorcise the pain with my music and my stories, my writing and getaway-from-life sleeping but this is not enough. This is not living. This is not me. Or at least not the one I used to be. Why do I even feel like that? Why can’t I recover and why does have to be so hard. If I don’t get the chance to complain for all this misery, I will probably die from it eventually. Does everybody really feel the same? Because I feel like I am in a world, out-of-reach for other people, and I just stop and stare, without going anywhere.

I feel fucking broken. I wish I could structure this a little bit but how can I when my mind’s a mess?

I’m trying. Don’t say I’m not trying. I’m on my meds, at least. Don’t say I’m a psycho, because it’s gonna get worse and you’re not gonna pay the debt of your word.
I’d love to think there’s a path for healing because yes, that’s what I hear in every song. But I’m suffering alone and I’d love to see how life goes on without me. I feel like I cannot do this. I don’t know how to.

So many people living such beautiful things. Maybe I’m envious? But I don’t want to think I am, because they say it’s bad, so I’ve been bottling up my emotions every time anyone says anything is bad. How long will it last? Forever? It goes on and on like without a ceasefire?

I could continue if you want it but rumors have it nobody like to hear the depressed. But I needed to talk. I couldn’t hide all of this. I had to put words on this. I had to make that move not for but for myself. My mind. My inner peace.

I am thankful for this song that made me cry today because I honestly thought I ran out of tears for crying way too much since I was a child. So now, when I do cry, I know there’s still a human in me that’s trying his best to not show too much emotions in a world that doesn’t like anything emotionally complex.

Always denounce your bully when they bully you.

Depression is my bully.

I’m fucking broken. I used to think hiding was the norm. Just that don’t want to be normal ever again.
Best Regards.

I heard it was the trend
It was the trend to be sad and lonely
I’ll make amends
I’ll smile and talk to you politely

But I am done, I feel like am sinking slowly
I’m on my own, and this story kinda feels so heavy

Where is it now? I’m looking for that sweet duende
I need it now, ‘cause every day I feel I’m ending
More, it’s not a shame, who cares this much?
Who will be there? I don’t think such

I heard it from a friend
She said I have to let go of these
So-called friends
Who grew up but who lived me lonely

What if I don’t? What if I can’t?
What if it is a trap to grow up?
How much I paid?
For an emptiness I never asked for

Where is it now? I’m looking for that sweet duende
I need it now, ‘cause every day I feel I’m ending
More, it’s not a shame, who cares this much?
Who will be there? I don’t think such

I was thinking about having this cool career
But never had a plan B, I don’t where to start
It used to be sane to dream but now
I’m driven so insane by the same dream

Where is it now? I’m looking for that sweet duende
I need it now, ‘cause every day I feel I’m ending
More, it’s not a shame, who cares this much?
Who will be there? I don’t think such

How did you know that my heart was in pain back then?
How did you, how much of a visionary are you?
Who are you? Does anyone have the answer at all?
What kind of a mentalist are you?

You saw that: the tunnel was dark and there was a faint light at the end
A light I’ve never seen since today
And I’m ready for loving. Remember?
What we were trying to build.

I’m ready to extend my family
We would get married happily
Ever after cause I love you
Like a song at maximum volume
I love you for the image you have
Of me being the man that you need
Not just a hitchhiker who’d come along
I’m ready to found with you

Sorry it took me this decade to understand
That I was in the hands of a good man.
Sorry I didn’t get the chance to tell you
That I love you beyond what’s real and surreal.

There’s a difference between being kind and being stupidly kind. People are out there to eat you alive if you give them the right too. I’ve met a lot of good souls whose happened bad things. I’ve seen a lot of bad people to which very good things happened.

I was told that not wanting to give something that belongs to you especially when you have a little, doesn’t make you automatically an unkind person. And with these words I felt comforted. But the woman who revealed that to me also said that one should be kind but protect themselves with a barrier and distance towards any relationship.

All along, I thought the wrong way and I’m sorry for the people I left out of the equation and I really feel like a different person now, loving himself enough to actually love someone back.

How about that ? No one could have foreseen that except God obviously. He’s still rolling the dice to see what path I’ll choose and come cross. I’m a good player but sometimes, he doesn’t play fair at all, hence my changing strategies and last minute solutions (like my homework back then).

I’m happy I can get to write again.

I’m currently thinking about getting my Portuguese better. Okay I’ve learn some things when I was in university but to be honest with, since I didn’t have conversations with actual Brazilian/Portuguese, my level didn’t go up.

I’m using this Harrap’s method. It’s more efficient than any book online, I think. But I’m always reverting to Spanish when I can’t find my words. Lol

Time to learn it again. I don’t know, this is fun. I have a keen interest in languages anyway.

Still trying to reach out for your dear beloved friends
Where were they when the crisis between was coming to an end
It’s true you’ve got problem but remember everybody has them
If you’re not doing anything,
Nothing’s gonna change all the same

You’re drowning, I can see it real clear
What about this sleep that you had and would last and last forever?
You’re drowning, and my only fear
Is that you’ll keep drowning letting yourself go to a darker

Side by side
We have seen it seen it all
You can’t hide from me
Even in your wildest dream
Side by side
We have seen it, seen it all
Take a chance and soar
Like never before
Like never before

What if I gave you what you wanted and terminated the material?
Would it be like this until we finally came to your burial?
Would it last longer if you cared to taste longer?
I need a warranty
That you’ll behave, so Sweet Lord,
Just guaranty, me you’ll keep your word, oh.

See, they’ve gone again, without you
And where are they, hell I wouldn’t know
You’ve been raising your arms you’ve been tapping your feet
For the souls that wouldn’t care
If they had not received it.

Medication won’t help dodging you again
If you think that, well just think think again
I would stay with you, but I don’t have time, insane
How busy I am with life, trying build something sane.

It’s always stressing me out
Who have I become when they ask me?
I got myself a delicate job
But they won’t ever let me live

What’s so wrong with going out?
Here again is something to stress me.
As he left, I heard the doorknob
Maybe I had some sense of relief

I need action, not watching action
It’s true that Netflix put up a good show
Maybe I’m just not a man of action
Maybe it’s what all of these TV shows show

So what are you gonna say to my parents?
When I tell them you left me lonely here
It’s apparent,
You’ve never even loved me

What will you say when I tell on you
And all the thing you’ve been putting me through
No you can’t stand the view of this
You’ve done wrong but I cannot take this from you.

Looks like I’ve got someone new but it’s such a pity I don’t believe in Prince Charming anymore.

Why would I say something like that, tonight, in this moment? Well:

I’m no prince charming either, but then again, it’s always on and off with my or their mood swings. And sometimes, we’re clearly not on the same page and this gets frustrating because you’re reflecting on whether it’s your fault or theirs and, yeah let’s face it, it’s never theirs or so they say. Until someone else plays the referee, then you realize that justice, or rather the notion of fairness is always for one party, not both: someone will be unhappy for sure.

Who’s it gonna be? Who will sacrifice?

Looks like the good intention Hell road is paved with bad intentions as well, if anything.

Am I happy. Yes, but. (Laughter)

Yes, but I’m so afraid I might ruin everything with my intensive overthinking: so I’m overthinking here, it’s way better. I can’t help myself, I’m sorry for him and for myself.

Today, I realized that I can have something great with someone and still not feel complete without some x factor (no pun intended). Music gives me that feeling, but love, not so much anymore. Am I in trouble ?

Bye everyone. Sleep well ❤️‍🩹